Wednesday, January 22, 2003

just listened to this old song by em, sort of felt like stan. damn. wondering when i'm going to burst with so many shit running thru my head. getting sick of all the damn things in my life. (breathing hard) ................. (breathing slows down and relaxs a bit)

sigh~~

its just me, isnt it? theres something wrong with me. seriously wrong. but cant point it out. never mind. watever.

went breaking that day, rather refreshing experience. i felt myself improving. wanted to tell someone, but had second thoughts. looked around. couldnt find someone that look like he would care. hope i get to break soon. next time, i won have to tell them, i'll show them. (not trying to be arrogant, just swearing to prove myself one day.)

went out with her one nice day, got so many things to tell her, wanted to tell her how much i miss her. looked at her face. couldnt find an expression that told me she cared to listen. she looks so forlon and tired, like an angel who fell from heaven and tired from trying to fly back. i just had to console her a little bit. had to forget about myself. looked at ease to relax her and wanted to help her to forget her problems. outside, i looked fine and assuring, inside, i'm bleeding and screaming to be heard. its just me.

went to work. this idiot passed me a slip of paper and that idiot happened to be my boss. had no slightest idea wat to do with the slip of paper. looked around for help. couldnt find someone that cared to help. but that passed rather fast. another she-idiot told me to pack the food for some other idiots, aka customers. went to the kitchen. first time having to do this shit. approach a bit*h, aka senior waitress, to directions to go about doing it. she shouted, go and do it yurself at the table over there. outside, i looked apologetic for disturbing her peace, inside i'm screaming, i'm new here, you damn slu*! the only reason i didnt shout that is coz she is senior, still had some mind to be respected and coz i'm not filled to the brim then to say that. i swear that the next unhelpful hog who diss me next is going to get it from me, luckily he didnt come. guess its just my temper.

today, day off. stayed at home, waiting for her sms. she's in school, busy with things. i know. i keep telling myself that. finally she sent me one. replied straight away. she didnt reply. she must be busy. i just know. her school's over at 1. she's going out with her cca frens. hope she will sms to update me. she didnt. she just forgot. surely, i know. she smsed me at three. asked me if i'm bored. wanted to asked her why she didnt sms me, she will be annoyed at me for not being understanding, i should know better, i didnt ask. her sms was short, few words coming from a normally cheery girl. felt like she didnt wan to sms. she must be caught up with chatting with her frens. i know. i just know. i replied her, den she didnt reply. i didnt question her anything, only ask her why she took so long to reply me, but i know she is chatting with her frens, why ask. she said sorry and asked me if i'm angry. i'm said i wasnt. i wasnt angry, just disheartened that she will do this to me. its just me. den she said i'm angry, guessed she could feel it. next thing, she gave this long irritating sigh in her sms and said, " wat can i say? never mind den. like always like that." hah? its my fault? hee, i guess so. its just me.

hmmm, feel better. think i better leave things alone. they will work out alone by themselves. got breaking later. great news. thanxs for listening.

just thankful to be alive - bert.
gilbert at 1:37 AM [comment]

{I hear voices, voices only half as humane as mine..}